Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

The beauty of shadow comes from the beauty of light!

Of all the variables in your life, your relationships may hold the greatest power to make you either happy or miserable

You can reach maximum performance by engaging in physical activities.

Life-changing gratitude does not fasten to a life unless nailed through with one very specific nail at a time.

The path you're on looks different when you turn around.

If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

Let’s just say that being able to contact ghosts makes for some very interesting ménages á trios… and ménages á quartre, and ménages á … whatever five is in French. ~Jaime Vegas

I didn't know that being in a relationship meant you had to be nice. I thought it meant you had to hack away at the other person until they were beaten down and then were too afraid to leave.

It's so nice not to worry about myself anymore. I only worry about my children.

The secret of unleashing your true power is setting goals that are exciting enough that they truly inspire your creativity and ignite yourpassion.