And we didn't have cell phones. If you made plans to meet someone in a snow storm, and they didn't show up, you just had to assume they were devoured by wolves and go on with your life.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Whatever the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.

You don´t need a stage to prove that you´re a bad speaker.

The abundance of life is in the number of people it influences and gives legacy

Had it not been for James Meredith, who was willing to risk his life, the University of Mississippi would still be all white.

They who humble themselves before knowledge of any kind generally end up the wiser and as voices with something meaningful to say.

I just think 'Broad City' - Comedy Central's answer to 'Girls' - is the best thing that's been put on television in years. It's amazing.

You have to deal with the reality that in the political process, people are going to vote based on what they're hearing from their constituents and others.

The peace that Jesus gives is never engineered by circumstances on the outside.

I never weigh myself, but the brutal truth of television is that they don't employ old people or fat people.

The better work men do is always done under stress and at great personal cost.