According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

We're standing here, beat to shit, walking away from a crime scene where either or both of us could have bought it, and you're asking me to marry you?""Perfect timing.

Bravery is never measured by the magnitude of the actions, but rather by the choices made.

When I look at the future it's so bright it burns my eyes.

My sisters are amazing. My sister is my business partner, my twin. She's an amazing producer, writer. You know, we're just grinding and trying to make my mother proud as well as God.

The most important thing about a child's education is to have a great teacher in front of the classroom and a lot of choice and accountability with parents.

Chance does not work. Only choice will work. Your choice!

My backpack has seven or eight DVDs in it and four or five of them have been there three months and I'm desperate to get to them.

History makes the point time and time again No greater mischief can be created than to merge the power of religion with the power of government.

I'm from the US of A. Born in Des Moines, raised in the New York suburbs.

I love travelling and going on wildlife safaris. I have an interest in astronomy. I like reading on current affairs, business and science. I love doing nothing if I can help it.