A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.

FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his master eat.

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

Sure, life as we know it is enough. But life as we don’t know it? That’s where the magic awaits. That’s where second chances abound.

A writer who is afraid to overreach himself is as useless as a general who is afraid to be wrong.

A man sitting monkey-like on the rooftop of his brain is due the applause such feats earn him.

Liberals love to strike generous, humanitarian poses with other people's lives.

The biggest scandal I was ever involved in was - in high school, at a basketball game, I shot and scored for the other team.

The only bowl Rutgers is going to is the one I just got off of.

Life is a series of random collisions.

I truly believe the brightest days lie ahead for the Great State of Hawaii.

Be true to yourself and go with your instincts - don't be somebody you're not just to fit in.

I wonder what it would feel like to laugh like that, with complete abandon.