Witty Quotes

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

They stayed away in droves.

There is a statue of limitation.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

If I were in this business only for the business, I wouldn't be in this business.

I want to make a picture about the Russian secret police - the GOP.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Love requires a willingness to die; marriage, a willingness to live.

Criticism is prejudice made plausible.

What we love about love is the fever, which marriage puts to bed and cures.

I remember when I first came to Washington. For the first six months you wonder how the hell you ever got here. For the next six months you wonder how the hell the rest of them ever got here.

Normally you have news, weather and travel.....but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel.

I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.

There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems. I'm tired of solving them for you. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge

I've been things and seen places.

There's no possibility of being witty without a little ill-nature - the malice of a good thing is the barb that makes it stick.

She is pretty to walk with, And witty to talk with, And pleasant, too, to think on.

School is where you go between when your parents can't take you and industry can't take you.

A witty writer is like a porcupine; his quill makes no distinction between friend and foe.

This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.

Nothing so fortifies a friendship as a belief on the part of one friend that he is superior to the other.

Courtship is to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play.

That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.

I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.

Do I have an option? when asked by the press if she was "running as a woman."

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

My inner child is not wounded.

It is a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously

It is always a silly thing to give advice, but to give good advice is absolutely fatal.

A cat is witty, he has nerve, he knows how to do precisely the right thing at the right moment.

Gentlemen, include me out.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

For your information, I would like to ask a question.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.

Advertising is what you do when you can't go see somebody. That's all it is.

Promise, large promise, is the soul of an advertisement.

The next time you find yourself in an argument, rather than defend your position, see if you can see the other point of view first.