So Funny Quotes

I am, he thought dimly, watching a vampire take a piss.

what would you call this haircut?"arthur.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity – another man’s, I mean.

POZZO:I am blind.(Silence.)ESTRAGON:Perhaps he can see into the future.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

I'm bored with that line. I never use it anymore. My new line is "In 15 minutes everybody will be famous.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.

Unless philosophy can make a Juliet, Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom, It helps not, it prevails not.

You take the words in the sense which is most damaging to the argument.

Don't you think you're quite young?''I'm twenty-one, ' said Brida. 'If I wanted to start learning ballet, I'd be conseidered too old.

Remove yourself, sir!

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.

I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.

When I was young I found out that the big toe always ends up making a hole in a sock.So I stopped wearing socks.

Mother, you have my father much offended.

Afore me! It is so very late, That we may call it early by and by.

For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.

What we’ve got here is a lunatic genius ghost-in-the-computer monorail that likes riddles and goes faster than the speed of sound. Welcome to the fantasy version of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it, that's not what you mean.

Have you ever come across something you couldn't explain?""Explain in what way? I could explain a ghost by saying, 'yes, that's a ghost.' I take it that's not what you mean.

This must be Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays

Four young men in motorcycle jackets... set upon the man in khaki shorts and beat him unconscious with his own sandwich board.

There have been two great narcotics in European civilisation: Christianity and alcohol.

When the Attorney-General ceased, a buzz arose in the court as if a cloud of great blue-flies were swarming about the prisoner, in anticipation of what he was soon to become.

If a woman cannot make her mistakes charming, she is only a female.

JACKYou're quite perfect, Miss Fairfax.GWENDOLENOh! I hope I am not that. It would leave no room for developments, and I intend to develop in many directions.

Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens.

I will live in thy heart, die in thy lap, and be buried in thyeyes—and moreover, I will go with thee to thy uncle’s.

Jim said he believed it was spirits, but I says: no, spirits wouldn't say "dern the dern fog".

Your name. That’s all I want.” I debate on whether or not I should explain to him that my name isn't going to help him in his stalking endeavours.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

It's a funny old world.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.