Sarcastic Quotes

Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.

His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.

It's so normal for a teenager to dress in black -- and be real unhappy and stay in your room and say sarcastic things. How could something so normal be considered morbid?

It's fun to be sarcastic, but now I'm able to express myself in a way that's much more sincere.

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

Please try not to be such a wiener-head.

Yeah, he's in pain except between the first and ninth innings

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.

Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.

That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.

The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps.

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

He is so mean, he won't let his little baby have more than one measle at a time.

I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.

Do unto yourself as your Neighbours do unto Themselves and look Pleasant.

The triumph of sugar over diabetes.

Creative semantics is the key to contemporary government; it consists of talking in strange tongues lest the public learn the inevitable inconveniently early.

He strains his conversation through a cigar.

She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin.

An epitaph is a belated advertisement for a line of goods that have been permanently discontinued.

A woman's preaching is like a dog's walking on his hinter legs. It is not done well; but you are surprised to see it done at all.

It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

His face was filled with broken commandments.

She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Man was created a little lower than the angels and has been getting a little lower ever since.

It ain't often that a man's reputation outlasts his money.

When a young man begins to go down hill everything seems to be greased for the occasion.

I suppose there are a lot of reasons to be jaded or sarcastic or bitter in life, but I hang on to the reasons why life is beautiful.

I wish I'd known you when you were alive.

Ants are so much like human beings as to be an embarrasment...They do everything but watch television.

Good women are no fun... The only good woman I can recall in history was Betsy Ross. And all she ever made was a flag.

He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own.

What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.

Germany, the diseased world's bathhouse.

Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.

You are so pure in mind and heart, In aspect, too, so mild, I wonder that you ever could Implant your wife with child.

While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser's; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you.

Advertisers in general bear a large part of the responsibility for the deep feelings of inadequacy that drive women to psychiatrists, pills, or the bottle.

I have this odd tendency to be really sarcastic when I'm uncomfortable and I don't really know why but it just comes out and it's come out since I was a child.

Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we'll get some fluid and embalm each other.

I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.

He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble.

My father was a very unhappy person, very sarcastic, and my mother was very nervous and worried about what people thought. They weren't monsters, but it wasn't a good childhood.

He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.

There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose.

I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures.