Humorous Quotes

Insomnia: A contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.

I don't even know what street Canada is on.

I have read your book and much like it.

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.

The world's strongest animals are plant eaters. Gorillas, Buffaloes, Elephants and me.

I've heard Eric Clapner, ... I think it was a wonderful thing that Eric Clapner the musician did...So I think that's the wonderful part about it, but listen - I like Eric Clapner!

Selling eternal life is an unbeatable business, with no customers ever asking for their money back after the goods are not delivered.

Humanism was not invented by man, but by a snake who suggested that the quest for autonomy might be a good idea.

A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman.

If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist.

There is hardship in everything except eating pancakes.

The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis.

To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted.

She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

There is no Democratic or Republican way of cleaning the streets.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.

Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.

Plans are invitation to disappointment.

Watch what people are cynical about, and one can often discover what they lack.

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.

[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.

Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.

How can I lose to such an idiot?

Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't."

Turn your melodrama into a mellow drama.

Learn to help people with more than just their jobs: help them with their lives.

Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

The unexpected has happened so continually in my life that it has ceased to deserve the name.

It is better to swallow words than to have to eat them later.

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

I am realistic – I expect miracles.

Never praise your cider or your horse

Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Democracy is the process by which people choose the man who'll get the blame.

A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

I bet the human brain is a kludge

A fool must now and then be right, by chance