Humor Quotes

People are less quick to applaud you as you grow older. Life starts out with everyone clapping when you take a poo and goes downhill from there.

Wise is the fool who becomes a master at laughter.

Good Enough

It Is What It Is

Time plays tricks between here and home, " said Mogget sepulchrally, frightening the life out of the telephone operator.

You can't make footprints in the sand of time if you're sitting on your butt, and who wants to make buttprints in the sand of time?

We are unable to discount the hypotheses that the world began three years ago.

Life could be horrible in the wrong trouser of time.

Good plan, " Freddy was saying. "Let's get some decent sleep. Tomorrow we can shake our gravy asses into town and do some sluething.

Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest!

So it's true what they say about warlocks,

Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

I'll drive like my grandma. I'll drive like your grandma.""You wouldn't say that if you knew my gramma.

I think so, ” she [Claire] said. “Just watch your back, okay?” “Nah, Michael’s got mine.” He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes.“I’ve got yours.

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

To ugly ducklings everywhere, Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans

I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan

Otis, " I said."Shhh, " he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis.""I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.

Trust her we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid.

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?

Nobody calls me 'blondie' and keeps their kneecaps.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts, " he declared. "I doubt if he could kill a duck."Tyrion shrugged. "Fetch the duck.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

I'd rather have rabies than be in love.""Why?""Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!"*smack*J-just now, that made a really loud noise.."Do you wanna hear it again?"N-no, you'll just hit me again!"Kyo and Tohru

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

I never meant it, " he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it, seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)

Jason hated being an old man.

I wish my nose would blow me for once.

If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate :)

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.