Humor Quotes
I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.
Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.
I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.
Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.
Objection!" Metz shouts.Grounds?" the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!
Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?""I care" Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.
Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.
Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.
Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.
We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.
The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.
We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do, ’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.
Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.
Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).
Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.
A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.
Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think ‘Today feels like a pyjama day.’? or is it always, ‘Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.’?
The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.
Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?~ Susan
He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home
Pops added, "you know, they say if you don't vote, you get the government you deserve.""And if you do, you never get the results you expected, " (Katherine) replied.
Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.
A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.
Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.
When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.
Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself!
Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.
This is the biggest damn IPod I've ever seen, " Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. "Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before.
They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places, ' Claire said, and sneezed.
Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. "Do you always hold your guitar like that?"I dropped my pick. "Do you always shop at Hot Topic?
Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.
I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.
Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5, 000 dollars or your back
I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.
I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.
Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.
Let me get you all some punch, ” I said.“You're leaving us?” said Isabel, sounding panicky.“I'll be right back, ” I promised. “If anyone comes near you, just scream and run.
If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.
I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.
Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.
Hi's nose was pressed to his window. “I've changed my mind, Tory. This is the perfect place to hold someone prisoner. I'm keeping this on file.