Humor Quotes

I had a dream about you last night... Well I say dream I mean nightmare... you were a Yankee fan.

I had a dream about you last night.. You kept screaming at Ted Danson to pour you a drink.

I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.

I had a dream about you. You suggested to split the profits, so I did. I threw one half in the furnace to power the steam engine, and the other half in the air to distract our pursuers.

I had a dream about you last night.We moved into a cabin in the countryside.I couldn't handle the spiders.You couldn't handle my drama.I moved back to the city.

I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were the world’s best ventriloquist.

I had a dream about you last night. Eons ago, we created a Universe, then sat back and watched miniature versions of ourselves try to make all the same mistakes we did.

I had a dream about you last night... You replaced all the people in your life with kittens. It felt more like a prediction of the future.

I had a dream about you last night... you sat in a cardboard box and said you were a tree.

I had a dream about you last night… it was raining and you were fishing for fire to set a sandcastle a flame.

I had a dream about you last night... you were crying over spilt ink screaming "the words, the what could have been beautiful words.

I had a dream about you last night.. You pretended not to be a three hole punch.

I had a dream about you last night... shortly after I woke up screaming in terror.

I had a dream about you last night... you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers.

well I believe in commitment it's just I, you know, I don't stick to it.

You want him praising the Lord in the morning, you put a smile on his face tonight.

I help others because I can, not because I expect something in return.

There's a cover for every pot, but I've never seen so many mismatched pots and covers in all my life. - Ellen Wasserfeldman, from Notes from Ellen Wasserfeldman by Alisa Dana Steinberg

For better or for worse, but not for lunch, ...

I had a dream about you. We were ice fishing in my freezer. I caught a few cold beers, and you wondered if we should drink them, or throw them back because they were babies.

I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.

If a boy doesn't respect his mother...run!

Okay, then, what was he like? Just give me something to go on so that I have a shot at him!''A shot at him? Are you on an elk hunt?

I am sorry the only outlet for her troubled mind was in clumsy foreplay with an inadequate partner."He threw the rest of her sandwich at the swinging door as she passed through it.

Learning the difference between God's intervention, the devil's mischief, and PMS can lead to increased happiness.

That's where your definition of attachment comes in. I'm in a monogamous relationship with two people.

You know what really fries my Puerto rican pancakes?

She needed to come with an instructional manual. And one not written in Spanish.

No Marriage Is Perfect. But every relationship has value!

Whether we are trying to buy a packet of chips or getting to know a person for a potentially important relationship, its nice to have an overview of what it/he/she contains. - Of A Sense of Self

Sometimes, something meaningless occurs, somewhere with meaning.

Are you real?” Stupid. Of course he’s real.“Yes, Julie. I’m not the mystical man from your dreams.

In this world there are two types of people: the ones who hurt, and the ones who are hurt. But if we all claim to be the victims, then aren't we all the criminals too?

If you keep thinking "you" can change someone, you could end up marrying a job you're not qualified for.

The Dictionary defines Soul Mate as: A person who is perfectly suited to another in temperament. Before I met mine, I didn't know I was bonkers!

People being tough with you doesn't mean they're villains.

The mind can't delete what the heart won't let go of.

When life's got you down, keep your head up... you can't see the ground anyway

To everyone who gets me, thank you. To everyone who doesn't, thank you too. You give me the motivation to keep succeeding just to piss you off.

Let others scream, because ultimately you know your story

If you're handed sour grapestake off your shoes and start dancing

If people doubt you, then you made progress from "who cares?

When life hands you lemons say, "Lemons? What else have you got?"- bumper sticker

(...)best of luck, avoid roasted cabbage, don't eat earwax, and look on the bright side of life!

somehow people forget that there is God....what more to us we're just individuals, , to forget is part of imperfections..

I have a shocking memory - I remember everything.

It's curling ribbon, but you don't have to curl it. You don't have to do everything the ribbon tells you to do. Don't live your life like that.

Don't you oh well me, sir, " Miss Maudie replied, recognizing Jem's fatalistic noises, "you are not old enough to appreciate what I said.

Let me tell you: the only way to get rid of dragons is to have one of your own.

You doan go diggin' for gold in an outhouse.