Instead of heading for a big mental breakdown, I decided to have a small breakdown every Tuesday evening.

Mathematicians finally developed a financial model to accurately compare apples and oranges. Any two kinds of fruit can be compared, although guavas still cause minor rounding errors.

The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.

I shouted the perfect words to scare him off. It was just the delivery (and only the delivery) that made me sound like a twelve-year-old girl with pee running down her leg. I felt dirty and stupid.

I don't take no dive for nobody. Whaddya think I am, a tanker!

I don't consider myself a star.

We, in America, love a story - we need a story to get involved in. But then everything becomes more about how the story protects a certain perception as we pick sides.

I think I was a pretty energetic kid. Well, I was energetic until about my mid-20s when I discovered alcohol. That's not entirely true, but you get older and the edge comes off.

Certain kinds of intimacy emerge on a phone call that might never occur if you were sitting right next to the other person.

Of course I voted for him. He wasn't a politician; he was a craze.

Companies are returning a lot of money to shareholders through dividends and buybacks. And a lot of people say that's not a good use of capital. I think that's normal reallocation of capital.

If it is your duty to croak like the toad, then go ahead! And with all your might! Make them hear you!

I've always got to have one impossible dream on the back burner.

We are proud to have with us the poet lariat of Chicago.