Funny Quotes

The cure for moving too fast is just to slow down.

I started a funny book from the 1930s called The Code of the Woosters by P. G. Wodehouse. Wodehouse is a comic genius.

Humour is the making others act or talk absurdly and unconsciously; wit is the pointing out and ridiculing that absurdity consciously, and with more or less ill-nature.

You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say.

Who thinks the law has anything to do with justice? It's what we have because we can't have justice.

If you decide to do Hamlet in a funny hat staged in a ruined factory, it doesn't make you Shakespeare.

I don't get a chance to be funny on camera as often as I would like.

If America cannot win a war in a week, it begins negotiating with itself.

A reader should be able to identify a column without its byline or funny little picture on top purely by look or feel, or its turgidity ratio.

I sometimes find that in interviews you learn more about yourself than the person learned about you.

What I want to do is to make people laugh so that they'll see things seriously.

Democracy is an awful way to run a country, but it's the best system we have.

Say, it's only a paper moon, / Sailing over a cardboard sea.

As a general comment on baseball:"90% of the game is half mental."

Texas has a lot of electrical votes.

On being the guest of honor at an awards banquet: "Thank you for making this day necessary."

Third ain't so bad if nothin' is hit to you.

I don't want to be the funny girl or the serious girl. I would hope to touch on all different genres and all different types of characters, which I think I've been lucky enough to do, so far.

Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways, if you caych my drift.

I had a very funny family.

It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.

It's funny when I read the tabloids and they're reporting on only a fraction of the life I'm leading.

You can never not feel like that, as a working artist these days. It's funny - time off makes me nervous, but so does time on. At least the pressure wasn't coming from outside.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

I'm an American so its kind of hard for me to talk about 9/11. So whenever someone brings it up in a conversation, I say "I didn't like 9/11."

My stand-up is more like how I am in real life. I don't really do a character thing in stand-up. It's just a bunch of sentences that are supposed to be funny.

When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes... with salad tongs.

Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"

It's funny that you [Zachary Quinto] did a monologue from Pounding Nails in the Floor With My Forehead. I did the same thing for my university when I went to USC.

Novels are not about expressing yourself, they're about something beautiful, funny, clever and organic. Self-expression ? Go and ring a bell in a yard if you want to express yourself.

She hasn't run faster than herself before

I would say I know nothing about the music business, in a nice sort of way. I totally forgot I was in that music video. That's so funny.

I think good actors tend to be really funny.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Nothing's impossible!

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Death doesn't really worry me that much, I'm not frightened about it... I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I paid, got up, walkedto the door, openedit.I heard the mansay, "that guy'snuts."out on the street Iwalked northfeelingcuriouslyhonored.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impos

The funniest people are the saddest ones

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Just believe everything I tell you, and it will all be very, very simple.""Ah, well, I'm not sure I believe that.

[Thou] mad mustachio purple-hued maltworms!

How art thou out of breath when thou hast breathTo say to me that thou art out of breath?

Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are economical in its use.