Funny Quotes

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.

"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."

If you have a funny costume, you can't really wear it when you get older.

Time for Tolerance,Equality, and Acceptance, It's allways TEA time with my Friends.

No wonder Wonderland isn't funny to read anymore: We live there full time. We need a break from it.

I grew up with four brothers, and in the back of my head I feel pretty masculine. It's always funny when I hear recordings of my voice, because it's so deep when I hear it in my head.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

I think it's more funny how every bit of information is up for grabs.

Listening to your own mind gives you "good reasons" why you should be fearful over unexpected events is just like being friends with someone who thinks it's funny to find new ways to hurt you!

It's funny, though, with films, because you can incorporate a variety of elements, and sometimes that can work for you and sometimes I think it can work against you.

And all I know is, you've got to give me everything. Nothing less 'cause, you know I give you all of me.

Our memories, they can be inviting. But some are altogether, mighty frightening.

Workin' so hard every night and day and now we get to lay back.

Now I got my foot - through the door - and I ain't goin' no where.

Look at your watch now. You're still a super hot female.

Sometimes Harvey Weinstein will let me use the Miramax jet if I'm opening a supermarket for him.

I don't want to be rich and I don't want to be famous.

I think that women, especially women in my job, come to me because they know I'm very loving and nonjudgmental and I'm not competitive, and I've been through a lot.

I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat-don't ask, it's a long story.

My one light American Spirit that I smoke once a week, on Saturday night.

One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert.

During the strict macrobiotic chapter of my life, I ate miso soup every day for breakfast and sometimes with dinner as well.

I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one.

[Moses] is obsessed with hip-hop and wanted a gold chain like his uncle Jay-Z.

One year I was given a birthday present I'll never forget - a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver.

Some days I feel like everyone in my world has plugged themselves into my kidneys. I'm so tired.

I'm not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it's incredibly delicious.

The chief knowledge that's man on from reading books is the knowledge that very few of them are worth reading.

When a husband's story is believed, he begins to suspect his wife.

It is more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.

If I ever mary, it will be on a suddn impulse - as aman shoots himself

You can't be funny for funny's sake. You try to get as outrageous situation as you can but it always has to be believable and based in real character motivations and what people would really do.

I'm a fan of half-hour shows that can be both funny and dramatic.

I often use humor as a tool in my writing, and sometimes that works and sometimes it sits alone just as a funny line.

We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.

Its funny how you can let yourself forget for seconds, how even in the heat of the horrible, you can have moments when you fool yourself into thinking it might all be okay

I look for the meaning in what's funny, and I look for what's funny about things that are meaningful to me.

I thought it was funny. I always thought Star Wars and Indiana Jones were basically comedies. The humour came out of their relationships; it came out of the fact that we were basically types.

I suppose the things you remember about someone who has died are the funny moments. Those are the ones that stand out.

Either I'm funny or the world's funny. I don't know which. The bottle and lid don't fit. It could be the bottle's fault or the lid's fault. In either case, there's no denying that the fit is bad.

Funny how mishearing things-or not hearing them at all-can really screw things up

I am the shortest and least funny person in my family.

I thought that unless people know me, they wouldn't find me funny.

There are many other kinds of milk available. Why don't we try drinking rats' milk and dogs' milk?

I tend to take [ to Bridget Jones Diaries] something that nearly happened, or might have happened, and then exaggerate it to make it funny and to make it tie into the themes.

There are not that many people who know how to edit. It's a funny tiny little obscure talent but it's very special. You have to have the feeling of popular taste.

A lot of my early pictures are, I think, quite funny. And these days I tend to look for comedy more and more.

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!