Funny Quotes

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

The first thing that I learned - and I understood it at a really young age - was that I could get a laugh. Really early. Because my mother and father are funny.

Study hard; and you might grow up to be President. But let's face it: Even then, you'll never make as much money as your dog.

Private Perkins is a funny little codger.

It is good to have some friends both in heaven and hell.

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.'

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

The English have no soul; they have the understatement instead.

The Japanese are human beings like the rest of us, but they will strongly resent this insinuation.

Bargaining is a repulsive habit; compromise is one of the highest human virtues - the difference between the two being that the first is practised on the Continent, the latter in Great Britain.

Japan is, you often feel, an improved version of the United States.

It's kind of funny to read the work of ex-Marines and soldiers because what they said to me as a reporter was only a fraction of what they were thinking and feeling and saying to one another.

Everybody funny, now you funny too.

The rich hire lawyers and accountants for a reason - to pass the tax bill on to you.

Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms.

It's funny, because I sometimes feel that I'm most creative when I'm pregnant.

Humor is not funny. Humor is something else. Funny is a joke, sometimes silly. Comedy is deep and connected to tragedy; comedy could be deeper than tragedy, in my view.

If you think is was an accident, applaud.

When the silent majority opens its mouth, it is usually to yawn.

Yes, Sept 11th was unfortunate

Don't write about what you don't know even if you don't know it.

It is a difficult thing to like anybody else's ideas of being funny.

People have many theories about comedy, but being just plain funny is the one most important thing.

A lot of people who claim they're political comedians are just comedians who have opinions. But they stop being funny the minute they give their opinions.

Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.

I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.

Some men never feel small, but these are the few men who are.

Every man is important if he loses his life;and every man is funny if he loses his hat and has to run after it.

He said he didn't very well understand how George was going to sleep any more than he did now, seeing that there were only twenty-four hours in each day.

The maimings of love are endlessly funny.

It's funny because sometimes one doesn't actually consider these things for one's self until one's in a situation like this press conferece where one has to kind of think about it.

Inspiration strikes at very funny times.

I've always wanted to work with Elizabeth Banks. She's so talented and funny, and she's become this force of nature - directing, producing. Being around her is kind of inspiring.

It's funny shooting movies because you get to see clubs during daylight hours, which no one should ever see - it's not pretty; there's a reason the lighting is dim in there.

Everything's a 360 and that's what's so funny about life now, and they're right at that age and I have teenagers now, and I'm like 'Wow I remember when I did that.' Aint nothing new.

Life's better now. I wouldn't do it all over again, though. It's funny how life works. Maybe it was meant to happen for many reasons, because my life in many ways richer.

Football's all about 90 minutes

Within the framework of something very dramatic, funny things happen. Organically, from them.

Everything's funny for God's sake. Everything.

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.

Elephants are so wise and so funny and so endangered and so intelligent. I just think there is a lot to learn from them.

I observe everything around me and when something hits me and it's funny, that's what I talk about. I'm a more observational kind of comic.

I think the audience should take away that it's okay to be smart, it's okay to be funny and well-learned. You can be from academia and be funny; you don't have to be an idiot.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.