Funny Quotes

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

Now, the band that inspired that great saying, "Stop The Music!!"

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

As a comedian, I have the gift of looking at something a bit differently and making it funny. I'm not sure why I can do that, but that's as simple as I can put it.

I'm an Asian with a Southern accent. To a lot of people, that right there is funny.

Humor, however broad and genial, takes a narrower view than enthusiasm.

I do not know how to distinguish between waking life and a dream. Are we not always living the life that we imagine we are?

Economy is a subject which admits of being treated with levity, but it cannot so be disposed of.

Especially the transcendental philosophy needs the leaven of humor to render it light and digestible.

Even Nature is observed to have her playful moods or aspects, of which man sometimes seems to be the sport.

All my good reading, you might say, was done in the toilet. There are passages in Ulysses which can be read only in the toilet - if one wants to extract the full flavor of their content.

We Americans look funny when we're in France because we don't travel, we are fairly un-cultured whereas Europeans go to Africa all the time because it's right there.

There's nothing funny about, 'Yeah, I took a First Class plane ticket and I went to some designer beach and made out with a Laotian slave girl.' Who cares?

Anxiety in human life is what squeaking and grinding are in machinery that is not oiled. In life, trust is the oil.

The house of Lords must be the only institution in the world which is kept efficient by the persistent absenteeism of most of its members.

It's funny to have become an elegant skier now. But my drive is still the same.

Sometimes you have to take the focus off of you and put it on someone else and it's funny what you can accomplish and how much strength you really have.

Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?

He runs to the sink to spit it out. I grin. There’s nothing quite as funny as someone else’s misery.

Tell the truth, even if they do look at you funny.

For the journalist, anything probable is gospel truth.

Hoodie was just a nickname I had growing up and I just wanted to have a name that would stick in peoples' minds and be a little bit funny and representative of who I am.

It's funny when I get recognized on the train. People either say ‘I love your show, dude’ or ‘Hey, where do you buy good weed?’

I voted for Ralph Nader in 2000, but I will not make that mistake again. The joke is over for Nader. He was funny once, but now he belongs to the dead.

I actually find novels that are determined to be funny at every turn quite oppressive.

What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?

Funny, I never shopped. Even my jewelry - not a piece of my jewelry I bought for me.

Now I want to work with Octavia Spencer, because I met her and she's really funny.

Meryl Streep is awesome. I really want to work with Emma Stone; she is adorable. Now I want to work with Octavia Spencer, because I met her and she's really funny.

There are many different ways of being funny. I'm not sure that there's so many different ways of being dramatic.

The real trick for me as a director is to make sure that people don't start pushing because the harder you push as a perform the less funny it becomes.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

Sukhvinder wished that she could be more like Krystal: funny and tough; impossible to intimidate; always coming out fighting.

Those lips had curved into a knowing half smile that did funny things to her insides. And like a match tossed to gasoline, her body sparked alive and flames licked every inch of her.

There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that contrast.

Life under the Soviet system was often funny, absurd really, especially for children.

Me personally, I don't have anything against Jesus any more than I do any of the religious icons. I think they're all pretty funny.

Buddha is pretty funny. Buddha is the coolest, though. If I had to go with one, I'd probably party with the Buddha.

I can go for a week without a guitar, but it's not even funny if I don't get to surf for a month.