Funny Quotes

You have to have a serious streak in you, or you can't see the funny side of the other fellow.

Poor soul - very sad; her late husband, you know, a very sad death - eaten by missionaries - poor soul.

Wickedly funny to read and morally bracing as only good satire can be.

After the Soviet Union collapsed, people thought I wasn't funny anymore.

I'd love to do sitcoms. I think I'm pretty darn funny.

On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."

It's great if you're funny or if you can dance, but if you are kind and decent, it comes out your pores.

I make funny shows and put a positive message out there, showing people who have body image issues that... you don't have to look a certain way.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line?

It's all life is. Just going 'round kissing people.

Thou art a very ragged Wart.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.

Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.

There was a piece of ornamental water immediately below the parapet, on the other side, into which Mr. James Harthouse had a very strong inclination to pitch Mr. Thomas Gradgrind Junior.

I frequently observe that one pretty face would be followed by five and thirty frights.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.

Tolerance! The virtue that makes one bite his tongue so that he can tear out his hair.

I never feel unsafe except for when the majority is on my side.

The manlier you are, the harder it is to understand what a woman wants: there is not a hint of female brain in you.

We men are fascinated by the things we don't really understand. It gives us something to think and talk about: like females, they drive us nuts.

I feel as though whenever I create something, my Mr. Hyde wakes up in the middle of the night and starts thrashing it. I sometimes love it the next morning, but other times it is an abomination.

If I were to vote, I would intentionally vote for the goofiest candidate. It is my theory that when the people can outwit the leader, the more respected their voices will be.

Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.

The logic behind patriotism is a mystery. At least a man who believes that his own family or clan is superior to all others is familiar with more than 0.000003% of the people involved.

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.

Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.

Never take advice about never taking advice. That is an old vice of men - to dish it out without being able to take it - the blind leading the blind into more blindness.

A thief is one who insists on sharing his victimhood.

I enjoy poetry where I can talk as bizarre as I please, but theology or philosophy, I always respect the truth by taking it a step further.

It is better to doubt that a concept is stupidly flying under your head than profoundly flying over your head.

One of the Christian's biggest fears is appearing 'too Christian'. God forbid, because that's often characterized as god-awful! We want to be one, but without being 'one of them'.

People in hell want snowcones.

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.

When mice run, cats give chase.

I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.

Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.

To answer your question, you want me because I'm made of awesome.

Hey, yummy leather guy? Can you hear me? (Amanda)

Literature doesn’t exactly have a strong mental-health track record.

Because he has the best equipment in the City and he knows how to use it!

Why couldn't you turn into a fireball when we were on the same team!

The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.

Get me outa here. F*ckin' creepy cheerleaders.

Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much.