Comedy Quotes

All the kids with fancy shoes or clothes, do you know what I got with a family of nine? When ever we said let's play poker, we had a full team of adults right there.

How are you doing, son?""If you don't get started, I'll rip out your heart and have it for breakfast."- Michael to Solo

All right, baby, " Daphne crooned."Talk to Mama and tell me all your secrets. . . .

There really is no sense in pretending to be normal. Just be you because the moment you do, weirder things happen. Crazy comes back into fashion and every woman has to go out and find her some.

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service….that's no chocolate on the pillow

Come Hell or High Water" usually depends on the kind of plug you use in the bath tub

If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months

If it's the thought that counts, then ignorance must use a calculator

The only difference between me and a madman is that he has the certification

Don't you wish we all lived in black light.... for one thing, it would mean an end to toothpaste as we know it

Some people drip wax on themselves like a human chianti bottle to see if they feel anything….but getting a wicker basket to fit them is a fiasco

We're clear, " she said. "You're kind of a psycho. I get that

Werewolves and silver bullets!” Shakespeare coughed a quick laugh and shook his head. “Lord, what fools these mortals be!

By the power of the Tri-Force, I command you to "-------

I almost forgot to tell you - you have the right to remain silent, but if you do, my boys at the station will process your bones to help you confess.

Oh, hey, kettle, I’m pot and wow, you’re black.” - Owen

The pimple is perfect.

You deserve good sperm. You’ve waited a long time.

Little tape recorders, that's what kids are, Cat thought. If you want to find out what your husband is saying behind your back, play Barbie with your daughter.

I know what dissipate means, Arty. I'm not three, for heaven's sake.

everything is negotiable. everything.

You’re nasty and you’re loud, you’re mean enough for two, If I could be a cloud, I’d rain all day on you.

The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her side.

I sort of fell.""Percy! Six hundred and thirty feet?

My two greatest loves were, of course, Daphne and Hyacinthus, but when you're a god as popular as

A milli-Helen is enough beauty to launch exactly one ship

People who talk too much are tiresome, especially those who are not informative, thought-provoking, or funny.

Jihadis! Please go to your imaginary heaven - out there, nowhere. Us, the infidel lot, have helluva lot to do after you leave. Out here.

I never knew anyone actually buy cakes when they were hot ...

The whole universe is like some big FedEx box.

I grunted, hauling the rope hand over hand. A plaintive squeak came from the pulley system with each draw, as if I had strapped some unfortunate mouse to a torture device and was twisting with glee.

Percy!’ Annabeth scolded. ‘You just opened another Monster Doughnut shop somewhere!

Like your zodiac sign? Percy asked. 'I'm a Leo.'No, stupid, ' Leo said. I'm a Leo. You're a Percy.

Like your zodiac sign?' Percy asked. 'I'm a Leo.''No, stupid, ' Leo said. 'I'm a Leo. You're a Percy.

So, you invite a wild rabbit living in Italy to a party on the island of Crete. What’s it supposed to do, swim there? Its little tux would get wet.

Some people just don’t find their Prince Charming straight away, they have to search for him.

Eat your heart out. Oh, wait. You can’t. It’s not organic.

Zane raised his brow. “Didn’t I say that yesterday?” he asked, forcinghimself to be patient. Somehow.“You say that like you think I listen to you, ” Ty responded instantly, asmile pulling at his lips.

it’s funny how I’m encouraged to go to school so much, but I’ve learned more valuable things on google then from school.

How is it that food STILL contains calories that make you gain weight in the 21st CENTURY?! It’s like scientists aren’t even trying!

These eggs are broken. Cracked.""Yes, ma'am. That happens sometimes.""Does it?""Yes, it's the unfortunate part of being an egg.

Mom let go of us and leaned back so she could look us both in the eye. “No more spending the night in the tree fort, you two.

If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny.

The secret to happiness is a good sense of humor with adult content.

I have to tell you the truth. But you are too ugly for it.

I love you as I do all - not at all.

So, your god is the only god? Okay, but then, so is my dog.

Tropical trees had been planted throughout the room, along with bright flowering plants that were busy committing the olfactory floral equivalent of aggravated assault.

Now, my intention was to drink just enough to dull the senses, but intentions should never be mixed with alcohol.

You always miss 100% of the shots you don't order