Comedy Quotes

He was so drunk that he would have stubbornly denied that he was.

...I guess I can put two and two together.""Sometimes the answer's four, " I said, "and sometimes it's twenty-two...

A brick can be used to represent the zero probability of this book being any good.

As one would expect, the Pope’s schedule is quite disciplined—he wakes up at four o’clock each morning and runs on the treadmill for an hour. I’m totally kidding. Nobody’s knees have time for that.

For a being more advanced than I am, he sure has a hard time answering a simple question

Thanks liver... you are a champ!

I love that she loves me a 10, on a 5-point scale. Well, I know it’s a 5-point scale, though I asked her on a 1-100 scale.

We bask in the scent of cinnamon beforeMom puts a scone her plate.'His name is Rich, ' she says.I select a scone too.'I like a man with an adjective for a name.

I squared my shoulders, trying to ignore the fact that I was standing in the apartment of the sea witch, wearing a fairy-tale prom gown, waiting for the attack of the mermaids.

Man, Grandma, what big hair you have.""The better to style with, my dear.

Oh the wonders of being married. Put a gun in one hand and a woman in the other, I'm never sure who's going to kill me first.

The Law of Moronic Ubiquity: Anything in the universe that is generally considered to be idiot-proof will eventually be ruined by an idiot.

She’s a lunatic, ” says Conrad.“Absolutely insane, ” says Guntram.“Either completely fearless or utterly stupid, ” says Conrad.“She’s going to fit right in, ” says Guntram.

How bad is it?”“The story is only just now being reported, but let's put it this way, ” HARV said. “The bag is now clearly catless, and there’s a very foul odor coming from the fan.

Yeah, but will it hurt?”’ I asked.“This is science, Zach, ” Randy said, reassuringly, as he tilted my head back and lowered the lens to my eye. “Of course it will hurt.

‘Foo Kyu’ is just a very unfortunate cultural coincidence.""Just think about his poor son, ‘Foo Kyu Two.’

Great Gates almighty, ” HARV said inside my brain. “I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.

Carol, I thought you didn't liked playing with the minds of normal people.”“Yes, but the press don't count as normal.”“She’s got you there, ” HARV added.

Forget it, ” I said. “Opie could be bloodthirsty, rabid, radioactive, and selling life insurance and he’d still be preferable to listening to the two of you.

You hate birthdays yet pee your pants over presents. There is clearly something wrong with you, " Garrett joked.

She was thinking of doing a little Cuervo therapy.

But you would think, wouldn't you, that getting hit forty-five times in the neck with a blunt axe would qualify you to join the Headless Hunt? - Sir Nicholas de Mimsy

I wash the clothes, rinse them and then scrub them again. Will that square little box do that? I am not using any fancy machines when my hands will do.

You put cow dung on my face?’ ‘Every day religiously until you were three. Why else do you think your skin is so clear?

Um..." I mumbled, "We wait.""What? Wait? Do you expect them to just come up here to the beach to get some moonlight?" He sneered as he took another bite of the eagle.

...She says with that mistyfar-away look in her eyes. Like conjunctivitis.

I'd die for your sins, but I'd probably enjoy them first

Mrs. Winalski owned a candy-apple-red 1965 Mustang GT convertible, and she drove it like she could die at any minute and needed to get five things done before that happened.

Eat clean to stay fit, have a burger to stay sane.

We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings.

Oh, well, that's not bad, I suppose. I mean, I'd prefer devastatingly sophisticated - but almost endearing is more than I could have hoped for under the circumstances.

I'd like to sit down with him and pick his brain, just a tiny bite somewhere in the frontal lobe to get a taste of his thoughts" -Warm Bodies

It is meant to be survival of the fittest, not survival of the most floral.

It's been nice knowing you, Clara.'Huh? My brain still a bit shell-shocked.'Say a prayer for me, will you? He gives me a shaky grin. Because I'm pretty sure my parents are going to kill me

What the heck kind of name was Sir?

When pointing out the flaws in others, people always end up talking about themselves.

If you want breakfast in bed, you have to concider sleeping in the kitchen>

Who says you only get one? If you're lucky, you will meet The One, The Two, The Three.....and so on.Nesta

The na at the end of banana annoys me as much as it would you if it were bananana.

Ish #21 "Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat!

Shit down your computer, and restart.

There is no such complicated situation which people could not make more complicated.

Life is not complex at all when we do not think about it.

The main proof that you actually do not exist is that nobody ever criticizes you.

Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.

Can we at least avoid the cannibals? I prefer not to vomit when screaming for my life.

Is there any difference between a happy and a lucky man? A happy is someone who finds an oasis with drinking water in a desert. A lucky man will always find water.

By studying human history, we can realize how much of human stupidity has fallen on fertile ground. Is gravity guilty for such an occurrence too?

To smile sincerely is acceptable after making mistakes – that is the best way to feel cheerful and repeat the same mistakes.

If I had to pick another career, I'd be an optometrist for potatoes. That's where the money is.