Comedy Humor Quotes

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

No funny business. I’ll scream and dead or not it will hurt your ears

I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

Objection!" Metz shouts.Grounds?" the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.

Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think ‘Today feels like a pyjama day.’? or is it always, ‘Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.’?

Huge Jackman has divorced his wife and happened upon my picture in some old article and decided that I'm the woman for him?~ Susan

He’d spent so much time in the penalty box for fighting last season, he’d been tempted to hang a picture and maybe set up a lava lamp, it had felt so much like home

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

Well, child? Aren't you going to try to turn me into some kind of unspeakable creature?I don't think I shall bother, madam, seeing as you are making such a good job of it yourself!

Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.

Maybe it was me, " Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

Take your finger out of your nose, Miss Steal.

Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

Carpe Diem, just remember that we're partying on the Titanic.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. "I gave you catharsis last night. Twice.

[The cats] scamper in front of my legs, causing me to fall and face plant into whatever furniture is closest. They especially like to play this game when I’m carrying piping hot coffee.

The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live...

He's such a dear, Mr. Garnet. A beautiful, pure, bred Persian. He has taken prizes.""He's always taking something - generally food.

Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off"- Cruz

I love the world, just, you know...not the people in it.

Jokes are many things. 'Funny' is only one of them.

I never said nothing...""I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!

Vampires have credit cards?""We're undead, not Amish.

Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.

I'm English. We're about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.

Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!

I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven from Blood of Prey

It was a little difficult to take him seriously when he sang along to a song about a woman taking another woman's man.

You'd be surprised." Charlie said."You go to bed one night singing her a lullaby, and she wakes up listening to Limp Bizkit.""What the hell is Limp Bizkit?

If I tell you another seven hundred times, maybe one of these days you might turn your clothes right side out when you put them in the hamper, eh?

Its Batteries! I just know it!

The risk I took was calculated, but, man, am I bad at math!

I'm going to need to save you.""Excuse me? No one needs-""I'm saving you, so shut up and be grateful.

I love that there's such a rivalry. It's like, leaf water versus bean water, ya know? - Charlie

Will you quit shouting and let me bleed in peace!

If everyone listened to me, the world would be a better place.

The fewer moving parts, the better." "Exactly. No truer words were ever spoken in the context of engineering.

Wiping the rivulet of sweat running down my ear with the bottom of my muscle shirt, I snuck a sniff under my pit. Whoa. Kill a moose