Woody Allen Quotes

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

I'm not the heroic type really. I was beaten up by Quakers.

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect but I still love him.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

Showing up is eighty percent of life.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If you're not failing you're not trying anything.

The best thing to do is to behave in a manner befitting one's age. If you are sixteen and under try not to go bald.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have instead of what you don't have.

How to make God laugh. Tell him your future plans.

The worst that you can say about him (God) is that basically he's an underachiever.

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work I want to achieve it through not dying.

Ninety percent of living is just showing up.

Life doesn't imitate art it imitates bad television.

I do not believe in an afterlife although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

If I had my life to live over I wish I could be a great pianist or something.

I am going to give my psychoanalyst one more year then I'm going to Lourdes.

If only God would give me a clear sign like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If I could only see one miracle just one miracle. Like a burning bush or the seas part or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.

I don't believe in God. Just try getting a plumber on the weekend.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Marriage is the death of hope.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree, ' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I am two with nature.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.