Jill : What causes sibling rivalry? Tim : Having more than one kid!

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.

Know when to push, pull or hold your followers, lest you push them while they are on the edge of a cliff

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots the other wings.

Religion and science have a common ancestor - ignorance.

The happiness that is genuinely satisfying is accompanied by the fullest exercise of our faculties and the fullest realization of the world in which we live.

If we are to use our minds rightly, we must live in an attitude of constant openness and learning.

I've found that my first drafts are not so special. But the more I work on them, the better they get. They are more unique and defensible.

...perhaps charity is the kind of beauty that we comprehend the best because we miss it the most.

We cannot appreciate the art of any age without first acquiring an equivalent of the experience it depicts.

I love to imagine inside the head of a woman.

Obama and his allies are promoting a medical system that is the third leading cause of death in America. It's that stark and it's that simple.