Steven Wright Quotes

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".