Roseanne Barr Quotes

I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great.

Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays.

Eating cookies that you bake with your grandmother is one of the greatest social steps one must experience in order to grow up into a decent world citizen, in my opinion.

I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.

Here is my personal opinion about prostitution. If men knew how to do it, they wouldn't have to pay for it.

Without democracy in our homes, we will never have it in the world.

I think I should be here alone to rethink the world, I do. I want these lesser humans gone.

Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting.

The American people are sick and tired of this ‘lesser evil’ garbage they get fed every election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they’re in office...

Laugh every day as much as you can.

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.

Don't call people names you dirty name caller you.

To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.

You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.

I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines.

After my 1985 appearance on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.

In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.

I want to be the girl in Indiana Jones. I would love to do an adventure movie where I was saving the world. It might be cool if I used a lot of kitchen tools to fight off the enemy.

Abortion is a woman's right.

US needs to fix up it's election system so that votes are fairly counted, and the Electoral College is removed.

I didn't know that being in a relationship meant you had to be nice. I thought it meant you had to hack away at the other person until they were beaten down and then were too afraid to leave.

politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses.

I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'

I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.

We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.

I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.

I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.

Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.

Nobody wanted the "Roseanne" show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.

They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!

There's nothing like a hardship song to set my toes a-tappin.

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny.

You can really learn from Donahue. I didn't know you could be a woman in a man's body. You go out and you can't parallel park.

I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust.

I have more money than God, but not as much as Oprah.

A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.

I have great parents, and they both taught me great things, but my formative years were boundaryless.

I hold to nothing but envisioning international peace and utopia. We all have many more things in common than not.

No government in the Middle East is innocent. Wars make the stock market go up, so no one in America is innocent either, nor anyone anywhere where capitalism reigns.

Everything on this earth right now is about labor and slavery. War is the only American export left that anyone wants to buy.

Honestly, a lot of the human etiquette I learned in life I learned from, like, thank-you notes and dating Jimmy Kimmel.

I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful.

I have horrible stage fright - you know how you go through the bi-polar stage fright thing? Then you go on drugs to get over the stage fright and perform, but then you're not funny at all.

I never consciously set out to talk about taboos or anything like that.

Illiteracy is a huge problem in America. One in three adults in our country is illiterate.

My family were hitters. If you made them laugh, they didn't hit you. My dad wouldn't hit me if I got him with humor right between the eyes.

I got, like, Diane Keaton's manager, and she was very connected; she had power. And she was like, "Your star is in tears on this comedy. Do you even notice that at all?"

I believe in equal rights for all citizens. One law for all.