I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

The things that preoccupy our minds can help us achieve a long term goal if we have an intention to fulfill our dreams.

Dogma in power does have a unique chilling ingredient not exhibited by power, however ghastly, wielded for its own traditional sake.

We are forgetting to live in this world because we are always getting ready to live in the next world.

I am a relationship phoenix: I crash and burn and then I rise and start again.

Thus, what is of supreme importance in war is to attack the enemy's strategy.

After returning from his stint in the minors made reference to the movie Slapshot with: I'm happy to be back. It was never my aspiration as a kid to play in the Federal league.

Open up a few corpses: you will dissipate at once the darkness that observation alone could not dissipate.

I’ve had reports of this one being in the city, but no close-up pictures till now. He’s some kind of pretty. I could just take a bite out of that firm—

I've never been driven by fame or money or anything like that. It's never been part of my psyche.

The fact is, I can vote for anybody; independents, Republicans, Democrats. But I'm a registered Democrat in the District of Columbia.