Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.
Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.
Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.