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Mitch Hedberg Quotes

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Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific."

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!"

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!




Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff."

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions."

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.




Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes."

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out."

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too."

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.




Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that."

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong."

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito."

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them."

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.




Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup."

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss"

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?"

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique."

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience."

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association."

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'"

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out."

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day."

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it."

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'"

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying."

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord."

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I can read minds, but I'm illiterate."

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious."

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out."

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555."

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk."

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!""

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Dogs are forever in the push up postion."

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky."

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!""

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down."

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others."

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that."

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great."

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having."

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!""

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee."

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around."

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly."

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!"

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!""

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!""

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"



Mitch Hedberg Quotes: "People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.