Lewis Black Quotes

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.

The fear of health care changing is beyond belief. Like there's a way to make the system worse. Really?

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.

All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.

I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing.

Socialism appeals to me. It's like imposed Christianity. You've got to share.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.

If you're going to pick a book and you want to base a system of government around it, why not 'Harry Potter?'

We have fossils... We win!

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

My father painted, well into his 80s, what he called hard edge abstractions. It's really cool.

These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!

I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

Wow, you survived a blackout. You're made of stronger stuff than ice cream.

Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.

Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!

Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.

I think the only reason you visit an Apple store is because you wonder what life is like on another planet.

I feel the need to scream, and even if the scream is not answered, I find my sanity in the echo.

"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

If I wanted to be bored by 6,000 pages of unreadable dreck, I'd read War and Peace four times.

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.