K.K. Cook Quotes

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

I've lived (in LA) for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't anymore.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

Ma'am, are you trying to molest me via drivethru?

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

The problem with dating a model is they won't go out with you if your cars color doesn't match their outfit.

I work with a lot of kids. Every year, for the past fifteen years, I work at Comedy Camp where I work with a lot of kids.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

It's hard to be happy for someone when you know deep down they'd kill you if they had the chance.

I've always read books and loved human behavior since I was ten or twelve years old. Maybe even that's why I wanted to do comedy.

I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they'll rebel and make the right ones.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

I would love to have acidy spit.

It really drives me banana sangwich.

Nice teeth is a turn on for me. If you open your mouth and it looks like a battle of epic proportions, I don't like it.

Are there glass shards in my anus?!

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

When I have a really hot date at a show, I definitely make it a point to use her name. The girls really love that.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

They used to beat me up after Sunday School, I used to get beat up... yeah, that's a nice little thank you from Jesus.

I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

I always wanted to do a B&E. Not bacon and eggs. Although I could always go for bacon and eggs. I'm talking about breaking in and entering.

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

I don't have to do anything for anyone else's benefit anymore. I just want to exceed my own expectations.

What happens in Vegas, I'm telling everyone.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

There's estrogen running through my veins!

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

Quote/Unquote and you can quote me on the quote/unquote.

When you delete pictures of your ex off your phone, it feels lighter.

Every great thing starts with an idea, followed by a doubt and finally a resolve to abandon or pursue. Victory is a treacherous journey.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.