Jim Gaffigan Quotes

It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

It's kind of hard to articulate, but, like, this notion of mercy, forgiveness, was very appealing for me. It was very profound. And it had a deep impact, and I think it still does.

Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?

I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.

In Indiana, I wasn't anything special. But in New York, I've gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I'm exotic!

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.

There has been this belief among the Catholic community - and this - I'm no expert, this is my opinion - that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.

I like to think of bread as really bland cake.

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

When I started stand-up - and this is in the '90s - there was definitely people hadn't watched decades of Comedy Central, where people are really much more educated on stand-up comedy.

Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.

I think growing up in Indiana prepares anyone for a life in comedy. I do feel like there is a certain kind of self-effacing cynicism among all Hoosiers.

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

I come from a very big family. Nine parents.

Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes.

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.

You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.

I don't want people to think I believe in God.

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.

I feel like, even in this crazy world of Trump getting elected and these things that really kind of caught me off-guard, I feel like I understand less than I did.

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

It's like in most parts of America, where there was industry and there is no longer; there is cynicism mixed with sarcasm and some optimism. That's how my background influenced my comedy.

The whole idea of comedy, there is nothing normal about going up on stage to make strangers laugh. But I'm also not an exhibitionist like other comics. I'm not up there talking about masturbating.

I worked on USA Today as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.