It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Did god make man too perfect, So that a piece has to be removedthrough circumcision?

And vampires never sparkle unless they just ate a stripper.

It rewrites the contract, I'd read somewhere. Your self's no longer central. This thing comes out of you and drags half your soul along after it like a blanket.

History is biology's dumping ground

The inventor of the modern foundation garment that we women wear today was a German scientist and opera lover by the name of Otto Titsling.

I think even the most beautiful person looks stupid on Skype.

A man that has lost moral sense is like a man in battle with both of his legs shot off: he has nothing to stand on.

feelings of man are always pure and the brightest to the meeting time and Farewell.

He says a million things without saying a word. I have never heard a more eloquent silence.

Only when I'm dancing can I feel this free.