If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

It's all about self-esteem now. Build the kids' self-esteem, make them feel good about themselves. If everybody grows up with high self-esteem, who's gonna dance in our strip-clubs?

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can't have a favorite. Can't let them know know if you do. I don't. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

We're a spoiled, lazy culture, full of ethnic pride that has to have a parade for every nationality.

If a quote changes your life in a good way, keep it in your mind and in your heart to give it to someone else too!

The KEY to disciplining ourselves in the area of obedience is always keeping in mind to whom we are being obedient.

It takes practice to shave the skin off the light.

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh when you can. Apologize when you should and let go of what you can't change.

The one great gift to humankind from our nuclear physicists has been the nuclear bomb. How can we ever thank them?

An extraordinary writer....It is the vastness of Nick Tosches’ heart that makes it possible to reveal the darkness.

Justice and truth are the common ties of society

Being a New Yorker is never having to say you are sorry.

Sexual pleasure is not a sin. Nor is it a sacrament. It is your right as a human being to exercise as you see fit. It's amazing that I feel the need to say this, but, given our times, I do.

It is my duty to be a father to my kids.