Graham Chapman Quotes

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply.

You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives.

We come from nothing, we are going back to nothing-In the end what have we lost? Nothing!

Camelot is a silly place.

I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam and Spam!

Always look on the bright side of life.

We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock. Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock. Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok.

You see, I don't belive that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, that has been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.

Stormy in love, stormy in interviews, breakfast in bed - that's me, love.

My philosophy, like color television, is all there in black and white.

I fart in your general direction.

When Beethoven went deaf, the mynah bird just used to mime.

McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories. McGough: Really? When? Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time...

At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before.

Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government.

Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon.

It's nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others.

We found that we didn't have much problem with him [J.C.], it was his followers we found questionable.

When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

There is no cannibalism in the British Navy, absolutely none. And when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount, more than I personally admit.

John Howard Davies was not a very human person ... if you made a mistake of any kind, any sort of pause in speech, he would treat you rather as if he was a schoolmaster.

I hope I will have achieved something lasting.

All ideas come about through some sort of observation. It sparks an attitude; some object or emotion causes a reaction in the other person.

I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats, but I can recommend an extremely good service.

I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

Bring out... The Comfy Chair!!!!

We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified.

An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition... A contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says." No, it's not.

A murderer is only an extroverted suicide.

Death can really absorb a person. Lik most people, I would find it pleasant not to have to go, but you just accept that it's more or less inevitable.

Health care does not worry me a great deal. I've been impressed by some wonderful old people.

One, two, ... five!" "Three, my lord.

She turned me into a newt. ... But I got better.

WHAT is your name? WHAT is your quest? and WHAT is your favorite color?

I am known by many names, but you may call me...Tim.

Tis but a scratch!" "A scratch? Your arm's off!" "No it isn't." "Then what's that?" "Oh come on, pansy!

One thing for sure - a sheep is not a creature of the air.

All ideas come about through some sort of observation. It sparks an attitude some object or emotion causes a reaction in the other person.

Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark

If life seems jolly rotten, There’s something you’ve forgotten.

McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories.McGough: Really? When?Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time ...