Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

My favorite animal is steak.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible but not attractive.

A hobby is, of course, an abomination, as are all consuming interests and passions that do not lead directly to large, personal gain.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.

There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

My own survival required me to counterbalance interesting with invisible.

We readily go to the health club when our doctor suggests we need more exercise, but we regularly neglect the 'mental health club' that our well-being more truly requires.

People say, 'Oh, politics is so polarized today, ' and I'm thinking... '1861, that was polarized.'

I have a life that's just been a well of loneliness.

I believe verbal felicity is the fruit of ardor, of diligence, and of refusing to be false.

See, Quentin, that’s why you should wear a cup before trying to assassinate someone.

Peter Bogdanovich is a good friend.

I don't go by the ratings. I buy wine that tastes good. Statistically, anybody's ability to predict what will be a good wine a decade from now is limited.

It is not enough to simply "do your best". You must strive for perfection.