Fran Lebowitz Quotes

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

Telling someone he looks healthy isn't a compliment -- it's a second opinion.

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.

Violet will be a good color for hair at just about the same time that brunette becomes a good color for flowers.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Generally speaking, the poorer person summers where he winters.

People elect the President for reasons that have nothing to do with his ability to be president.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

Life is so absurd now that it is almost impossible to be a satirist in this era.

The only appropriate response to the question, 'Can I be frank?' is, 'Yes, if I can be Barbara.

Why not have your first baby at sixty, when your husband is already dead and your career is over? Then you can really devote yourself to it.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

Breakfast cereals that come in the same colors as polyester leisure suits make oversleeping a virtue.

Middle class was defined by having certain values and only a certain amount of money. But this new middle class seems to have absolutely no values and an unlimited amount of money.

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.

If you're going to America, bring your own food.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching.

How do you know if your child is a writer? Your obstetrician holds his stethoscope to your abdomen and only hears excuses.

If you feel the urge to write, just lie down and read a book: it will pass.

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

Albert Einstein didn't care where he lived. Albert Einstein was a genius. Albert Einstein wasn't getting lost in the master bedroom, he was lost in thought.

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.

What's the point of being young if you're not going to make new things, I wonder?

Rome is a very loony city in every respect. One needs but spend an hour or two there to realize that Fellini makes documentaries.

China is not a great idea: capitalism and a dictator. It's like the two worst possible things you could imagine together. It's a very bad idea.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

I drank my lifetime supply of alcohol and I took my lifetime supply of drugs between the ages of 15 and 19.

I hate writing. I will do anything to avoid it. The only way I could write less was if I was dead.

What starts love is your ability to stupefy and blind yourself to the point of being able to fall in love. What stops it is waking up.

Any artist who has that quality of timelessness has that quality because they tell the truth.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

When I'm supposed to be writing I clean my apartment, take my clothes to the laundry, get organized, make lists, do the dishes. I would never do a dish unless I had to write.

I, unfortunately, take the subway a lot. It's not my preference, but it is my lot in life.

Marriage entitles women to the protection of a strong man who will steady the stepladder while they paint the kitchen ceiling.

If you read a lot, nothing is as great as you've imagined. Venice is - Venice is better.

Now the culture is made of old things, it's a collage. Art made out of art is not art. You're supposed to make art out of life.

Ever since I was a little child, I refused to see movies of books that I loved. Because you already know what Heidi looks like and she doesn't look like Shirley Temple.

All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

Your grandparents did not endure the indignities of a steerage journey to Ellis Island so that you could stand outside a discothèque and beg a wallpaper designer to take you in with him.

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Everything in Japan is hidden. Real life has an unlisted phone number.

White grapes are very attractive but when it comes to dessert people generally like cake with icing.

Civilised adults do not take apple juice with dinner.

those who use the word 'lifestyle' are rarely in possession of either.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use.

When someone asks, 'Why do you think he's not calling me?' there's always one answer - 'He's not interested.' There's not ever any other answer.