Ed Martin Quotes

If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we wil give something to panic and wave you arms around and scream about.

Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you're pregnant. If you're not, then let's break up.

I just found out that I have more allies than America!

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

To me, comedy is a game.

I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, Get me started.

My friend named his car. And I don't want to be judgemental, but... what a dork.

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn't stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.

Don't forget to turn your clocks back today if you don't want your clocks to be set to the right time.

I like digital cameras, because they enable you to reminisce immediately.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it's about something else.

The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn't it?

I wonder if, as a society, we will ever be able to call someone a jive tofurkey.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

They say that structure is freedom, and in a sense it is. When you're dealing with multiple constraints, you have to figure out what you can get out of that.

I always try to just be honest ... As opposed to artifice or manipulation.

This is a pie chart about procrastination.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there's a bb gun in my hand. Can't you see that I am just a man? With distinctions... and comparisons.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

A large portion of the Earth's land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a man who needs a lot of attention. He represents me in college: I was a dork-ataur.

Halloween's my favorite holiday because you don't have to spend it with your family.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They're like: You look completely appropriate. You don't look stupid or lonely at all.

As a creative person, you want to have a foothold and sense of progress.

I think it would be worse to get mauled by a dancing bear than just a regular bear because you can't totally blame the dancing bear.

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the second, you can show up and just say the jokes.

To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every now and then at the TV.

I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.

As a comic, I think I'm very verbally oriented about a lot of the stuff that I've written or thought up and how I say it.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball.

I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See Front.

One of the most difficult and ironic murder weapons is the life jacket.

My friend says touche way too much. He's a touche bag.

I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

At the battle of the bands the loser's always the audience.

You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special - or even just what's worth touring with.

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.