This is a pie chart about procrastination.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Inner guidance is heard like soft music in the night by those who have learned to listen.

Being good at what you do is never enough

Death, that hath suck'd the honey of thy breath hath had no power yet upon thy beauty.

I want to be the band everyone knows that goes hardest. Plays the hardest, parties the hardest, lives the hardest, loves the hardest, does everything the hardest, harder than anybody else.

The measure of a decent human being is how he or she treats the defenseless.

You can believe the diagnosis, not the prognosis.

Growing up, I was very much interested in jazz music.

If you think about it, fiction is nothing more than gossip about the people you've made up.

We need worship for our spirit, fellowship for our soul and committed subservience for our body.

The business of the philosopher is well done if he succeeds in raising genuine doubt.