When telling a story about how wasted you were last night, stop.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

It is not enough to believe. Believe must lead to change of attitude and conduct.

There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.

Luck is the way the dust settles when God passes by.

Being this close to him was like sitting under a hotness heat lamp. In the desert. At high noon.

I don't ever want to be sad about my life.

On a given day, a given circumstance, you think you have a limit.

Folly often goes beyond her bounds, but impudence knows none.

Too late, but I understand. That we don't perish of understanding everything too late, that is a miracle. But we do perish of that -- of just that.

War is not to be waged in the name of God.

Rebelliousness really is the province of young people-that kind of iconoclasm.