Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Our relationship was toxic. He was slowly poisoning me. I was slowly poisoning him.

One thing I learned in life, the only true friend you have in this world is your self.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

School plays are fine. Theater in school is fine.

Love manifests itself in our bodies as instinctive craving, in our souls as devotion, and in our minds as pride.

I want to make sure that nobody's dying on the streets when I'm president.

I know that spinning sets me in a trance; it soothes me and charges my batteries at the same time. When times are tough I sit down to spin during the news-broadcasts, with therapeutic results.

Who I am is a dad and a family guy. When I look in the mirror and talk to myself, that's what I want to reflect.

I'm not a big fan of remakes. And even if they are good, they're still not as good as the original, so what's the point?

They can pump whatever they want into my arm but it takes more than that to keep a person going once she's lost the will to live.