You know you've had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a beanbag and realize... there is no beanbag.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Don't compare yourself to other Christians. Compare yourself to Christ. He is the one you follow. He is the one other Christians too follow".

Life is all about impact, become an influential millionaire by touching million lives.

I go for all sharing the privileges of the government who assist in bearing its burdens.

I'm sittin' on my watch so I can be on time.

Prayer at its highest is a two-way conversation - and for me the most important part is listening to God's replies.

In this country, the only way a minority can get anything done is to make a little noise.

Chimps are very quick to have a sudden fight or aggressive episode, but they're equally as good at reconciliation.

Art is based on a strong sentiment of religion,--on a profound and mighty earnestness; hence it is so prone to co-operate with religion.

Sometimes when you're given hurdles, it makes you more creative in the end.

I'm a teen distortion, survived abortion.