Yes, it's true, I've been called the Laurence Olivier of spoofs. I guess that would make Laurence Olivier the Leslie Nielsen of Shakespeare.

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

Like a midget at a urinal I was going to have to stay on my toes.

Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you're finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

I really have to keep an eye on myself, because sometimes I think I might say something important.

One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

There's an old saying that God exists in your search for him. I just want you to understand that I ain't looking.

It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.

Are you having problems hearing? If so, those around you already know it. Hearing loss is no laughing matter, so don't be a punchline.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

A woman brings so much more to the world than birth, for she can birth discovery, intelligence, invention, art, just as well as any man.

We often do shallow good in order to accomplish evil with impunity.

That exact moment when you're about to realize that this might be a dream is my favorite thing.

What mighty woes To thy imperial race from woman rose.

It takes hundreds of good golf shots to gain confidence, but only one bad one to lose it.

In all love stories the theme is love and tragedy, so by writing these types of stories, I have to include tragedy.

What unthankfulness is it to forget our consolations, and to look upon matters of grievance. To think so much upon two or three crosses as to forget an hundred blessing.

I look at myself and read what people say on the internet and some fans say the club should get rid of me - which shows how fickle some people can be.

If you want to, you can share my teaching refrain: I can't want you to succeed more than you do.

Justice! Custodian of the world! But since the world errs, justice must be custodian of the world's errors.