When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

We prefer the not wanting and not having to the losing.

Lying isn't something you should be proud of, but be grateful if you've gained a talent for doing it correctly.

There are no perfect leaders.

The true problem of living is to keep our hearts sweet and gentle in the hardest conditions and experiences.

As an adult, I can't blame my parents any more.

Those who promise us paradise on earth never produced anything but a hell.

You have to take everything I say with a grain of salt.

How can you hope to build up a nation by fragmenting its politics into opposing camps? Whatever one group builds, the other will endeavour to destroy.

If we went into stores only when we needed to buy something, and if once there we bought only what we needed, the economy would collapse, boom.

Of course, your ideas can be stolen... I used to think it was immoral; now I think of it as a compliment... Ultimately, an idea isn't yours; it's only your take on something.