Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

And it's time people told the truth about beautiful women. They do not shimmer down staircases. They do not descend, as was once supposed, from on high, attached to nothing other than wings.

Make this moment the moment of truth about yourself. You have been selling short all of your life.

The near cousin of optimism is hope: knowing the steps needed to get to a goal and having the energy to pursue those steps. It is a primal motivating force, and its absence is paralyzing.

When I'm dating someone, if she bonds with my cats I'll give her a chance maybe more than I would otherwise. But if she doesn't like my cats it's kind of a deal breaker.

For the purpose of my life, I don't ask the question. First of all, I believe. I think the Five Books of Moses are inspired. Call it divine. I don't know. But I would certainly call it inspired.

Think today's interest rates are high? The Pilgrims borrowed $7000 from a London company of 70 investors in 1620, and devoted the next 23 years to repaying it at 43 percent.

Children are born innocent. Before they are domesticated they live in the moment, love without fear, and don't even think about the opinions of others.

Those who say in simple surrender 'Yes, Lord,' emerge from the experience spiritually rich, and become a source of grace and encouragement to others who are hurting.

I say I’m an atheist but I wouldn’t mind being visited by a ghost.

Give us the strength, give us the wisdom, and give us tomorrow.