What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.

One of the greatest necessities in America is to discover creative solitude.

What is life without its angles of difficulty and defeat, and its tip of triumph and power?

The law should be the point at which savagery ended because civilization stood in its path.

This century is going to be a very dangerous century.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Nature lies, disheveled, pale, With her feverish lips apart,- Day by day the pulses fail, Nearer to her bounding heart.

My teachings are my life.

A book is like a piece of rope; it takes on meaning only in connection with the things it holds together.

But nothing is more insidious than the evolution of wishes from mere fancies, and of wants from mere wishes.