Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

Human existence is as a result of the product of time

When making an axe handle the pattern is not far off.

The Lame goes as farre as your staggerer. [The lame goes as far as your staggerer.]

A legend - now I am like a unicorn.

What do I care about my chitchat from yesterday?

My only regret in life is that I didn't spend as much time with my kids as I now wish I had.

I will form good habits and become their slaves.

It's a roll of the dice when you're a first time director so I prefer to work with people that know more than I do, but that happens less and less as you get older.

If you walked into Netscape headquarters with a plain old modem from CompUSA they'd think it was a garage-door opener.

I donno, it's not impressive. Once I put ear plugs in and put a blind fold on for like 14 minutes and I did just fine.