We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

He was a gentle and sensitive soul, and therefore had a short temper, which is why he went straight after everything with an ax...

We laughed over our difference then spent years bonding over things that made us the same.

No woman is really an insider in the institutions fathered by masculine consciousness.

We are a way of the universe knowing itself.

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

I think good things come to good people.

You are never asked to do more than you are able without being given the strength and ability to do it.

To walk through walls go two steps slower in the vast conspiracy of ignorace.

The Mets just had their first .500-or-better April since July of 1992.

What is snowboarding to me? I'd say it's when I feel passion. That is, if passion is a combination of utter joy, frustration and rage. It's my life.