Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Uber is a $3.5 billion lesson in building for how the world *should* work instead of optimizing for how the world *does* work

We have to give our poor, innocent, and undeserving-of-our-badness characters trouble in order to make them characters in a story.

The people only understand what they can feel; the only orators that can affect them are those who move them.

It is insufficient to protect ourselves with laws; we need to protect ourselves with mathematics.

There are a lot of people who will give money or materials, but very few who will give time and affection.

No circumstance, person, or difficulty can stop the plans and the promises of God.

I have over a hundred clocks. I've got fancy clocks and clocks from all over the world that people made for me.

To tell an adult exactly what steps to take towards his salvation was apt to weaken him. It deprived him of his inalienable right to trial and error which was tonic to the character.

The most developed science remains a continual becoming

When you are no more, only then for the first time will you be.