The popcorn button on the microwave is a miraculous invention. More miraculous than even the microwave itself.

Every cookie is a sugar cookie. A cookie without sugar is a cracker.

No matter what time of year it's always funny when a person walks by me dressed in religious garb and I say Happy Halloween!

Just saw an orthodox Jewish kid do 3 pull-ups on the scaffolding. Shattering the previous record.

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.

The key is to get it all down on paper before the coffee stops telling you you're talented.

Rich people are just like us though they now eat their meals off square shaped plates.

If you are 26 years old and you're waking up under Star Wars sheets... the Force is not with you.

The definition of the word nerd has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn't want to be the tea party's go-to comedian.

Everything you know gained from experience

The greatest difficulty of Travel is that one is forced to take oneself along.

Caress your phrase tenderly; it will end by smiling at you.

I never said the camera was truth. It is, however, a more accurate and more objective way of seeing.

I never overcame my conviction that writing for commercial television was a kind of prostitution.

I never work hard when I am working; I only work hard when I am not working.

I'm a big follower and reactor to weather.

I don't need to drive. I have no business driving. I would never be able to find my keys.

I think the fun thing about this franchise [Planet of Apes], as storytellers, is that a lot of the franchises are very black and white. This is all about the gray areas; it's really about the nature.

Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.