The most important thing as a comic and a creator is to have a robust standpoint.

Lobster is not going to be as tasty with ice tea unless that ice tea is from Long Island.

I remember I was in music class, I was a senior in high school, and my music teacher was like, "You should be a stand-up comic, you could imitate anyone.

My dad always said to go for my hobby and used to commend me for my excellent judgement so i try to do the similar for my children.

In my day we used to have pray to run into an ex looking great, but now you just post a selfie in your underwear.

God did not put you on this earth simplest to be any person's mom.

I thought that unless people know me, they wouldn't find me funny.

My music teacher told me that she didn't even know why I was going to college - I should be a stand-up.

Push your boundaries beyond the ordinary

This world is wrong. We have to correct it.

Fool! Nothing but black ink runs through my veins!

I'd never read 'Lord of the Rings' until I was asked to play Gandalf, so I didn't really know it was a frightfully famous book.

No one realized that the pumps that delivered fuel to the emergency generators were electric.

Dress suitably in short skirts and sitting boots, leave your jewels and gold wands in the bank, and buy a revolver.

Once you are labeled 'the best' you want to stay up there, and you can't do it by loafing around.

I don't write for any particular kind of person.

Most people who play golf have one big trouble: they think too much. To get any real mileage out of this game you've got to sit on your imagination.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.