The human digestive tract is like the Amtrak line from Seattle to Los Angeles: transit time is about thirty hours, and the scenery on the last leg is pretty monotonous.

The simplest strategy for bouts of noxious flatus is to not care. Or perhaps to take advantage of a gastroenterologist I know: get a dog. (To blame.)

I challenge you to find a more innocuous sentence containing the words sperm, suction, swallow, and any homophone of seaman. And then call me up on the homophone and read it to me.

It tastes like water spiked with strange.

Constipation ran Presley's life. Even his famous motto TCB— 'Taking Care of Business'— sounds like a reference to bathroom matters.

It's called the FATLOSE trail. FATLOSE stands for 'Fecal Administration To LOSE weight, ' an example of PLEASE— Pretty Lame Excuse for an Acronym, Scientists and Experimenters.

People are messy, unpredictable things.

Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes).

Colonel Henry Blake, a surgeon: "I can paint a barn with someone else's blood. I just can't stand to see my own.

You have been in Afghanistan I perceive.

Life, the permission to know death.

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?

Why something in the public interest such as television news can be fought over, like a chain of hamburger stands, eludes me.

People see me on TV two and three times a day, and see me cooking all these wonderfully Southern, fattening dishes. That's only 30 days out of 365. And it's for entertainment.

Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it - which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?

Its better to have a rich soul than to be rich.

Once you start copying other people's licks, you begin thinking they're yours. Doing that's just an easy way out.

We are not bearing our crosses every time we have a headache; an aspirin tablet will take care of that. What is meant is the trouble we would not have if we were not Christians.