The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Each of us has a family tree full of stories inside of us, Dirk thought. Each of us has a story blossoming out of us.

Ignoring intuition to follow some course in life always has the potential for regrets.

Never contract friendship with a man that is not better than thyself.

Wasn't Winston Churchill the first black president of America? There's a statue of him near me... that's black.

My answer is bring them on.

Your home should reflect who you are, so pick a palette that's close to your heart and run with it.

I really like sort of disappearing.

Some people grow into their dreams, instead of out of them.

Fear is such a powerful emotion for humans that when we allow it to take us over, it drives compassion right out of our hearts.

'What would be better for us to believe!' This sounds very like a definition of truth